07 Apr 2020
USER GUIDE - in case you are wondering what the hell this is that you have received from a respectable firm of accountants, these updates have evolved over time but now seem to have generally settled down to the following format.
1) A general opening piece often with bizarre but harmless themes perhaps written as an escape from the bizarre but dangerous situation in which we now find ourselves. Psychiatrists probably have a word for it and I suspect quite a few others do as well.
One of them, a staff member who shall remain Sam, suggested that it might be some sort of breakdown. How nice is that when all I am trying to do is rally the troops. Mind you I understand Napolean was delusional and the least said about that bloke with the daft little tash and silly haircut the better.
2) A music based section to hopefully provide further uplift, perhaps required as a result of reading 1).
Coincidentally yesterday I heard on the radio a song by local artist Emma Fee, who is very good, called ‘Note to Self’. However, what really caught my ear were the opening lines 'Careful with those messages you send, someone's bound to read them in the end'. I think that every night about now.
3) A section clearly marked SUPPORT SHORTS with today's brief news. Therefore, if thats all you are after you can proceed straight there without reading the drivel in 1) and 2).
So after the number of words which would normally mean I am about finished, I will begin:-
1) There used to be a TV series called Breaking Bad. I never used to watch it but I understand the gist of it was that a science teacher turned bad and started making illegal drugs. I also understand that his famous phrase was “I Am The One Who Knocks”, something that only applies to me when I am playing dominoes.
Anyhow, I think that they should make a sequel entitled Breaking Good. This would be about a pop star who led a life of excess who then became a scientist helping the search for a C19 vaccine.
The original actor who played the lead role was called Bryan but he is unavailable because he has secured lucrative work on a series of fruitcake commercials against stiff opposition. Can anyone suggest who might replace him?
2) Tonight’s song was suggested by Andy Hinchliffe of Eureka Growing Systems and is 'All Revved Up With No Place To Go' by Meatloaf. This brings to my mind the collection of noisy hatchbacks which normally gather at Hessle Foreshore near the Humber Bridge. They are drawn there to participate in the mating ritual of throwing their plastic take-away cartons out of the window despite there being a bin five yards away.
By happy chance there is a fast flowing river nearby and with a favourable wind the offending articles will soon be out of sight. They will later be ingested by some poor unfortunate sea creature minding its own business. If there is a god is there any wonder we horrible humans have been sent a horrible virus to make us think about the error of our ways? Perhaps not as uplifting as first intended.
3) SUPPORT SHORTS
A) HMRC finally confirmed that Directors could be furloughed in certain circumstances and about which full details were emailed.
B) Employees currently working from home due to the current emergency can be paid £6 per week by their employer tax free towards household expenses. Normally this is only allowed where there is a formal home working agreement in place as opposed to informally working odd days at home.
C) Furloughed employees can work for another employer, provided contractually allowed.
I see that a tiger at Bronx zoo has tested positive for C19, another strange and unwelcome development. I wonder what our umlautless friend Herr Schrodinger would have thought about that? I suspect I know but he would have needed bigger boxes and when he took the lids off, it would certainly have cured his constipation.
The Queen’s broadcast was not particularly exciting but at least Brian May's hair looked tidier than normal.