Jurassic Park

21 Apr 2020

The Celebrity Journalists (henceforth to be known as CJ, coincidentally the name of Reggie Perrin's boss with whom they share various characteristics, I do hope this doesn't cause any confusion in any future editions of this bulletin), continue to demand a precise timetable for the lifting of lockdown.

The CJ need to know so they can exclusively reveal it in their exclusive columns and their exclusive podcasts. They also need to know when to book some flights to their exclusive holiday villas because there are some right bargains to be had, if you can get in there first with a bit of inside info.

They blame the Government, they blame Northern Rail for the lack of trains, they blame Hull City Council / Yorkshire Water / A Passing Horse for the Bankside open / closed debacle (there might be a bit of justification in this one, those horses hooves can fair rip up the cobbles).

They blame others because of course everything is perfectly foreseeable and there are unlimited funds to throw at any problem. As we know the average taxpayer would rather pay more money into the Exchequer than spend it on another walk-in freezer to store their panic buys.

There are always possible solutions. ACE have come up with an ace plan to encase the Earth in a gigantic chocolate egg in order to ward off malevolent meteorites. If only those dumb dinosaurs had thought of this instead of wasting time biting the heads off lawyers sat on the bog.

This would however mean that the sky is permanently the same colour as the Humber. A small price to pay for one hundred per cent guaranteed safety, I am sure you will agree. Donald Trump is all in favour and what's more he is going to make the Mexicans pay for it.

C19 Song Or The Day

Tonight’s song is from Tim Hubbard of Baker Street Garage and it is Take That with 'It Only Takes A Minute’.

Indeed it does, as my wife will confirm. If only it only took a minute to take a C19 test, or get some PPE or apply for a Furlough refund. But life is only like that in songs, which is why we like them.

C19 Support Shorts

  1. Even an alien on a speeding meteorite could not have failed to notice that the Furlough portal opened for business today. A bit clunky as you would expect from such a massive project but we will all get there eventually.

2) This is a new interactive summary of all help which is available 

https://www.gov.uk/business-coronavirus-support-finder.

Kuenssberg. That's a difficult name for the club membership secretary isn't it? I had to check it a couple of times myself. I am still not sure it is one hundred per cent correct and you know how important that is. It won’t stop her joining though. Definite.

Kind regards,

J. Hammond

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